Harry Potter The Honest Parody Series
by Denied Denial
Summary: A series parodying the many downfalls that the Harry Potter series contains.
1. Chapter 1

Our journey begins with a shot of a road sign; 'Privet Drive'. On the sign is an owl; because Rowling kicks nature in the balls and says that owls live in suburban London. The camera moves; and out comes the scary music. HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT IN THE WOODS? Oh wait, it's just some crazy old guy with no knowledge of shaving. We now learn that he is a stoner and this is his hallucination. Weird street names, owls in London and what now? He plays a fun prank of turning off the street lamps with a lighter...I do not honestly know what the hell is going on.

Author: Er...won't doing that cause anyone that drives past to kinda crash into a house?

Dumbledore: No! My needs are more important than everyone elses!  
Author: Rigghht....

Dumbledore proceeds to hold his 'surprised face' as he takes out all the lights. Then he starts talking to cats.

Dumbledore: Why hello there, Professor McGonnagol.

Mcgonnagol: So we're on first name terms at every other point, apart from this one?

Dumbledore: JK Rowling couldn't be bothered introducing you in any better way.

Author: So talking to a cat and appearing stoned in the first 2 minutes of the movie is the best way to go?

Dumbledore and Mcgonnagol: Yep.

Mcgonnagol transforms from cat to old woman; causing most of the furry population to cry in jealousy.

Mcgonnagol: Good evening Albus.

Dumbledore: NOOOOO! You can't address me by first name! Use the uncreative version!

Mcgonnagol: Whatever. Let us talk about things we should have addressed earlier but couldn't be bothered doing to the last minute.

A few seconds later, and quite coincidentally, Hagrid flies down on a giant motorbike, crushing an infant under his coat. Even though the bike is louder than your average jet, no one wakes up in the neighbourhood.

Hagrid: We have all kinds of way of transportation; yet the best way over; oh I dunno, teleporting, is riding a giant motorbike which somehow was previously used by a normal sized man; even though it is just the right size for me?

Dumbledore: Pretty much. We didn't expect Voldermort to get off his ass and intercept a giant on a loud bike. Besides, who safer to deliver the most valuable person in the world, rather than our Groundskeeper. A man who only got this job because he couldn't do anything else?

Hagrid: Anywaaaay, I have to go do giant related stuff like drinking excessively and buying dragons.

Mcgonnagol starts complaining about the Dursleys being the worst family possible. And on a related note, according to her, the boy will be known by everyone in the world; even though the wizarding population is really quite low.

Dumbledore: I really don't care if he is tortured and abused for the first 10 years of his life. Anything is better than being famous.

He places the boy on the doorstep. He disappoints everyone when he doesn't cover the blanket in faeces, set the baby on fire and ring the doorbell.  
Hagrid cries even though he's only known the child for less than an hour.  
Dumbledore punches him in the face for being a pussy.

Dumbledore places a letter on the boy, telling the Dursleys that they've been punk'd with a baby. The camera shifts to his head and...OH MY GOD!

This is the only time when you see the scar, in the middle of his forehead and not drawn in crayon. That bitch looks real! Up starts the music again and light starts shooting out of the scar. The baby wakes up, looks at Mcgonnagol and yells that he's firing his laser out of his forehead.

After the beginning titles, the boy is older now, and his scar is made out of crayon and is a few feet off of being on the centre of his head. Seriously, it's halfway across his eyebrow!

The first lulz are head as a frail and bony old lady, starts rapping on a staircase saying "GET UP!". At this point, we presume all that hair spray has leaked into her brain. After no response for a full 2 seconds, she spanks the naughty staircase and says 'NOW!' in her British accent. The little boy under the stairs, wakes up with his toy soldiers surrounding him.

Dudley: *jumping on the stairs* WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO! OMFG! THIS IS SO EXCITING! BEST! BIRTHDAY! EVER!

Harry: It's just the fucking zoo. Not exciting at all.

Dudley responds my pushing Harry back into his 'room' and kicking the door in a way that would make Chuck Norris cry.

Harry: Ouch. I have been shown who is the boss...*sarcasm*

Harry walks into the kitchen to see what can only be described as really weird, and wrong.

Petunia: Happy Birthday Son! *begins rubbing her face into Dudley's*

Harry: O_O

Petunia: SHUDDUP AND MAKE US BREAKFAST SLAVE CHILD! AND TRY NOT TO BURN ANYTHING!

All Harry has to do is freaking take the bacon off the frying pan and onto the plates. Some making breakfast. Aaaaaaaand, he fails at doing that; dropping all the bacon onto the table as his uncle yells at him to make him some coffee.

Dudley sees a pile of presents, some not even wrapped properly.

Dudley: HOW MANY FUCKING GIFTS DID YA GET ME?

Vernon: 36, I counted them myself. 'Cause you know, counting them as I buy them is such a hassle.

Dudley complains that 36 is not enough, and that last year he had 37.

Harry sighs and tries to not spill coffee onto his face. He so very nearly, fails.

Vernon retorts that some of them are quite bigger than the others.

Dudley: I DONT CARE HOW BIG THEY ARE!

Harry: That's not what your muuuum said last night! *puts up hand waiting for Hi-5*

Author: Ew. You're insinuating that you had sex with Petunia. Have you no shame?

Harry: Not really...seeing that I marry some redhead who's kind of like a stalker by the end of all this crap.

They are about to leave for the zoo when Vernon takes hold of Harry.  
Vernon: I don't want any funny business when we go okay?

Harry: Err...Uncle...that was Dudley who molested the goat at the farm...  
At the zoo, Dudley tells his uncle to make a snake move.

Vernon: Oh sure, snakes understand English, so what could possibly go wrong? OH YOU! *pokes glass* MOVE!

Vernon: Oh, I wonder why that didn't work...it was an absolutely flawless plan...  
Everyone but Harry walks off, and he decides that he'll beat his uncles high score in "Talk to the snakes and get a response"

The snake does the most unusual action ever! IT FREAKING MOVES ITS HEAD!

Harry: OH MY GAWD! YOU MUST BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND ME BECUASE YOU SHIFTED YOUR BODY SLIGHTLY! Let me complain about my life to you. But, I've never talked to a snake before...

Snake: ORLY? You are a deprived child! Everyone else talks to animals on a regular basis but you!

Harry: Do you talk to people often?

The snake at this point, would gladly sell his soul to the devil for a hand; so that he  
could facepalm at how much Harry fails at the moment.

Harry: Did you ever know your family *looks at sign saying "Bred in Captivity"*? Oh. I see. It was the same for me.

...what?...You were bred in captivity?

Harry: I never knew my parents...

Dudley, noticing the snake yells out to his parents.

Dudley: OMG! YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT THIS SNAKE IS DOING!  
Somehow, moving constitutes as something you'll never see a snake doing. How silly of me to assume that underwater tapdancing was such a commonplace thing for a snake.

He pushes Harry to the ground and presses up to the glass. Harry puts on a Zoolander face and makes the glass disappear. I guess it's the same premise in which Zoolander stopped a metal blade through just looking at it.  
With the awesome photoshopping of the early 2000's, we see the poorly edited glass disappear in an anticlimactic way.

Harry laughs at the fact that a sheet of glass disappeared, causing his cousin to fall into the containment of a deadly snake. I'm starting to presume that Harry may be more homicidal than the kid from Home Alone.  
Casually, the snake slithers off without anyone giving a shit to stop it whilst saying thanks to Harry in a raspy voice.

Aaand, the glass is back in place. How the hell does it work that someone can use a spell that they've never learnt or know how to operate. Sure its explained as "Uncontrolled magic" but surely you'd have to do something to activate it...otherwise no one would say spells or use their wands...

Petunia starts screaming hysterically whilst Vernon stares of into the distance and Harry laughs his face off. This family is really, really, messed up.

They get home, and Dudley is still hyperventilating and soaking wet (somehow), and Vernon only grabs Harry by the hair and interrogates him now.

Vernon: SURELY OUR SON ISNT STUPID ENOUGH TO WANDER INTO AN ENCLOSURE!  
IT MUST HAVE BEEN CHUUUUU! WHAT DID YA DO?

Harry: Iuno, it was like magic or some shit.

Vernon, hating the thought of magic, locks Harry in the staircase and closes the only airhole. Great move there!

The start of a new scene now!

An owl (again, why?) somehow knows every address in the world and can recognise English writing to find out where to go. It drops the letter and through an undefined magic of parchment; it lands into the mail chute nicely. Also, it's daytime yet the owl is wide awake and ready to journey for many hours on end.  
Harry; lacking creativity and wearing the same thing as in the last scene, picks up the mail.

Harry: Spam, Spam, Postcard, spam...Holy shit! A letter addressed to me! Wait, why is my room in the address, I mean, seriously. And why is the word 'under' italicized? Is there another Harry Potter who lives above the stairs? Hmmm...I've never gotten a letter before and the Dursleys would'not let me read it anyway...so I could hide it and read it in privet; I mean private, but I think the smart option is to make it blatantly obvious that someone is writing to me...

Harry: BAHAHAHAHAH! DUDLEY! You look like such a douche at the moment. Seriously, why are you wearing your uniform if we're on our vacation?

Dudley: *snatches letter* OH LOOK DAD! HARRYS GOT A STALKER!

Vernon: *looks at who sent it* *surprised angry face*

Nothing else needed in this scene, NEXT!

Another owl magically drops the same kind of letter into the mail chute and sits next to two other owls.

MEANWHILE, AT HOGWARTS:

Dumbledore: Hmmm...we sent the first letter yesterday and we didn't get an immediate reply. He must not have gotten it or he ignored it. SEND MORE OWLS I SAY! CUT DOWN THE AMAZON! I DO NOT REALLY CARE!

Vernon: *rips letters in angry fit*

Harry: *plays with toy soldiers because he is that cool*

Vernon: *drills cover over mail chute* Doing this has to stop those idiots! I mean, how else could they possibly send us letters?

Harry: Won't that stop other important letters from coming in?

Vernon: SHUT UP!

SKIP AHEAD A DAY OR SO

Petunia and Vernon are standing outside, kissing eachother goodbye; and NOW they notice the owls on their car, you know, not when the first left the house, or not when they screeched every few seconds.

Vernon: *swinging briefcase* Shoo! Go away! Yelling and flapping my arms about whilst at least 5 metres from the car has to be enough to get rid of owls!

Petunia notices about 5 letters on the ground, another tree weeps as Vernon burns them in the fireplace, cackling menacingly at Harry as he does so.

Vernon: EVIL PAPER! BURN TO HELL I SAY!

Harry: *dagger eyes*

Vernon: ARGH! MY HEART! IT BLEEDS FROM YOUR EYE DAGGERS!

NEXT DAY:

Vernon: Sundays are awesome. There's no post on Sundays in our world, so there must not be any post on Sundays in the magical world. It only makes sense.

Vernon is hit in the head by a letter for being an ignorant tool. Harry looks out the window to see about a hundred owls sitting on the house, because they don't just fly back after sending whatever they send...

Then we hear an earthquake! Vernon knows what to do! He covers his ears because the noise of an earthquake is your biggest concern...

AND HUNDREDS OF LETTERS FLY THROUGH THE FIREPLACE!

Harry: Okay. This is absolutely ridiculous. If each owl can only carry one letter, there must be a giant carousel of owls above our fireplace, continuously dropping letters! And why do they still fly about when they land on the ground. They should just hit something and drop, not fly around the place.

Letter: FUCK PHYSICS! LET US DO AS WE PLEASE!

Laughing in the face of Harry, the letters fly aound him as he pathetically jumps up and down trying to catch one in the air.

Author: Just take one off the ground.

Harry: NOOOOO! Three second rule!

Everyone but Harry goes into the foetal position, because letters are scarier than sharks and spiders and zombies...

Petunia: AAAAAAAH! PAPERCUT!

Harry finally manages to get one after a few days of jumping around. Vernon chases him, not wanting for him to read the letter. He manages to grab and molest him while his victim complains that they're his letters.

Vernon: Oh! Are they? You should've said so earlier and I would've let you go!

Vernon, in all his wisdom, decides that the family shall move away to somewhere where they can't find them. In the meantime, it is really unclear on how they managed to be rid of all the letters and find time to pack and not let Harry get to one. Harry really must like the honesty rule.

Vernon: Where's somewhere where they can't find us?

Harry: The middle of the ocean?

Vernon: PERFECT! LET'S GO!

Cue sad music as Harry cries and draws a birthday cake in the ground. As Dudley's watch beeps at midnight (really annoying as you'd think it'd wake you up) Harry reminds himself to make a wish, or else he might have forgotten.

Hagrid breaks down the door.

Harry: YES! MY WISH CAME TRUE! NOW I CAN HAVE A MALE HOOKER FOR THE NIGHT!

Hagrid: Actually, I'm here to give you this green cake, and to take you away.  
Vernon: *pointing with shotgun* Get out you pussy! And take your pink umbrella with you!

Hagrid: *bends shotgun upwards* Next time it'll be the inside of your pants.  
Vernon fires a shot, and instead of it hitting thebent part of the gun, it follows the illogical path of curving abruptly.

JK Rowling: I 3 PHYSICS :D

Hagrid: Ohaither Harry *looking at Dudley*

Harry: No, I'm Harry.

Hagrid: Of course you are!

Harry: O.o

Hagrid: Anyway, here's that cake I mentioned. If there's nothing else, I'll be on my way...

Harry: Yea...who the hell are you?

Hagrid: Me names Hagrid, I'm the keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts.

Harry: What does keeping keys entail?

Hagrid: No freaking clue.

Harry: What's Hogwarts?

Hagrid: Didn't you evah wonder where your parents learnt it all?

Harry: ...The brothel?

Hagrid: You're a douche harry.

Harry: A what?

Hagrid: A DOUCHE! And a good one at that with a bit of training.

Harry: But I can't be a douche. I'm just Harry.


	2. Chapter 2

When we last left the scene, Harry had just discovered that he is a douche! Where will this story unfold?

Harry: *takes a second glance at cake* Wait a second. This cake says "Happy Birthdae Harry" God you fail at spelling.

Hagrid: Well waddya expect? I mean, normal wizards don't do any schooling before they are of 10 years of age, so we can't exactly be perfect at the basics now can we?

Harry: Anywaaay, you were saying that I'm a douche?

Hagrid: Oh yes. I mean, didn't you ever make anything...happen? Anything you couldn't explain when you were angry or scared? Anything...douchey?

Harry: Well...I did lock my cousin in a snake enclosure, AND I think I killed my parents...so yeah, I've been pretty douchey in the past.

Hagrid hands Harry a letter, made from the last tree to exist in the Amazon.

Harry: *reading aloud because is too dumb to read in his head* "Dear Miss Potter, You have been accepted a Hogwarts school of Douchecraft and Wizardry." Wait, Hogwarts? That name sounds really gross; I mean, it's a school named after a wild pig with a skin condition...

Vernon: He shall not be going! We swore we'd put an end to all this rubbish!

Harry: So you knew about the magical world even though you have no direct relation to it? Why haven't the supposed Ministry forced you to keep your mouths shut, or exterminated you for knowing a very hidden secret?

Vernon: Because...err...umm...well I don't know. Ask her!

JK Rowling: *swims in bottomless pit filled with her earnings*

Harry: But if I go, you won't see me for the next year or so.

Vernon: Harry, get your bag ready.

Harry: But you never told me about this...

Petunia: Why the hell would we? I am so jealous of my perfect sister Lily, that even when she died I felt no guilt in telling her child what happened to her and what they all are. Not my fault she got blown up and we got stuck with you.

Author: Sorry to interrupt, but Petunia, was your mother by any chance a naturalistic hippy?

Petunia: Yes...

Author: So that explains why both her daughters were named after flowers...CARRY ON.

Harry: BLOWN UP? You said my parents died in a car crash!

Petunia: Well, a car can explode...so it could have crashed then exploded; thus blowing them up.

Harry: Oh Snap! Didn't see that one.

Hagrid: *vent about Lily and James not being killed in a car crash*

Everyone: *ignore*

Hagrid: When Harry goes to Hogwarts, he will be under the best headmaster Hogwarts has seen; Albus Dumbledore!

Harry: And by under; you mean?

Hagrid: You'll be his bitch, who goes around doing everything he can't be bothered doing, like killing Voldermort and framing teachers.

Harry: And by Headmaster you mean he's a master of head?

Hagrid: And how!

Harry: But I don't want some crack addict teaching me how to pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Hagrid: Never...insult...albus...dumbledore...

Harry: You know, pointing that pink umbrella at me really isn't that threatening.

Hagrid: Wanna bet? *shoots jet at Dudley, who grows a pigs tail; the furry population cries in awe again*

Whilst Petunia and Vernon scream about something that is easily removed via surgery; Hagrid warns Harry not to tell anyone that he used magic, as he isn't allowed to.

Harry: Wait, so the Ministry can track when I use a spell underage, but not someone who had theirs broken in half for not obeying the 'law'? And also, couldn't you just buy a new wand? Also, later on, why do I get punished for using a spell when I've already used one just a few scenes ago without any warning?

Hagrid: Hey don't look at me! *gestures to JK Rowling now purchasing Saturn*

Harry: So this is where you kidnap me? 'Cause I really do not want to go. I'm quite happy right here.

Hagrid: TOO BAD! YOU'RE GETTING KIDNAPPED AGAINST YOUR WILL AND THAT IS THAT!

Harry: Fuck you.

Hagrid: And guess what! Instead of something convenient for a second time in less than 20 minutes into the movie, we get to travel back by a speedboat during this giant storm! And even better, let's leave without you taking any possessions, surely you don't need them!

NEXT SCENE: Harry and Hagrid now find themselves in London, and no one gives a second glance to Hagrid and his giantness.

Harry: God I'm hungry, not to mention tired.

Hagrid: Why's that?

Harry: We haven't freaking had a rest break since you stole me from my happy seaside cottage.

Hagrid: *singing* OH THERES NO PLACE LIKE LONDON!!! :D

Harry: No...references...please.

Hagrid: Hmph! Fine. Wait, what do you need again? You should read out loud off your letter in public with your obnoxious voice so that I can know where we need to go because there isn't only one place in the entire world to do wizard related shopping.

Harry: Kay. According to the letter, the only two things I need to bring are a standard size 2 pewter cauldron and if I wish, an owl, a cat, or a toad. With that last part, all the pets seem kind of pointless apart from owls...Why bother with a cat or a toad? And also, how do we feed them at the school if there isn't any specific equivalent to the aviary in this magical land of gumdrops and rainbows? Wait a second, can we find this all in London?

Hagrid: Oh sure, all your standard stores like your Kmart and your Target and your Wallmart are full of wizarding goods! Because that isn't obvious at all!

Harry: So where exactly are we going to go to?

Hagrid: Follow me into this totally non-descript brothe- I mean bar.

Harry: Wait, why would anyone go to a place called the 'Leaky Cauldron'. Not only does it sound repulsive; I mean, it's like calling a restaurant the 'Dirty Saucepan' or something.

Hagrid: Shut up and get inside.

Harry and Hagrid enter the Leaky Cauldron to find themselves in a really cheap and dodgy looking bar.

The barkeep (let's call him Smitty) asks Hagrid if he wants his usual, not fussed that an 11 year old is in his bar, exposed to the dangers of underage drinking and whoring.

Hagrid: No thanks Smitty, I'm on official Hogwarts Business *creepy smile*

Smitty: *continues wiping glasses* Do you really think I give a shit about your lame job?

Hagrid: Oh but I'm buying *emphasis* Harry *end emphasis* his school supplies.

Smitty: Oh yeah, you're that Potter kid aren't you...

Hagrid: HE'S FAMOUS! *awkward grin*

Smitty: Try someone else.

Hagrid: OI NUPS! HARRY POTTERS HERE!

Strange Crazy Lady: Welcome back Mr Potter, welcome back.

Harry: Err...I've never been here, you've never met me, you knew that I'm alive so that remark is really really pointless.

Doris: Doris Crockford, Mr Potter. I can't believe I'm meeting you.

Harry: Well you just have, so please go away. I need to get ready for school! ;[

Quirrell: H-H-Harry P-P-Potter. Can't de-describe what a pleasure it is to meet you.

Harry: *shields face from heavy saliva shower* You just shook my hand. How is that possible if later you touch me and it causes you to crumble away in the physics that Rowling loves to rape.

Hagrid: shut uuuuup. Don't ruin the plot.

Harry: Oh please, anyone who is reading this would have read or seen the movie beforehand. This hardly constitutes as a proper retelling of the story. The author's beaten it to death in the first few sentences.

Hagrid: Anyway, he's going to teach you defence against the dark arts at school.

Harry: Dark arts? Like painting using only shades of blacks, greys and browns?

Hagrid: Effectively. We should get going to the back of this dump.

Harry: Oh god, you're one of those paedophiles aren't you. PLEASE BE GENTLE D: *blows rape whistle*

Hagrid: *pulls out umbrella*

Harry: AAAAAH! PLEASE NOT THE UMBRELLA! IT'LL GIVE ME SPLINTERS!

Hagrid: *taps bricks on wall*

Harry: What the hell are you doing?

Hagrid: *continues tapping*

Harry: Is that, is that Hot Cross Buns?

Hagrid: No, it's the secret tapping code to get into Diagon Alley.

Harry: Well it sounds an awful like that awful tune.

Hagrid: I flunked music class as a youngun, kay?

Harry: HOLY GUTTERSHITE! THOSE BRICKS ARE MOVING!

Hagrid: Yep.

Harry: Wait a second. How the hell can they move if the whole wall is full? Where do they move to? They can't just move to the side as there isn't any room there. IT'S FUCKING FULL OF BRICKS!

Harry notices a wanted sign on the wall near him.

Harry: Wanted. JK Rowling for the brutal murder of Mr P Hysics. Dead or Alive.

Hagrid: Welcome Harry, To Horizont Alley.

Harry: ???

Hagrid: Oh, did I say Horizont Alley? I meant Diagon Alley. I get my directions mixed up.

Harry: Never mind that...HOW THE HELL IS THERE A FREAKING SHOPPING CENTRE BEHIND A BRICK WALL WHICH IS ATTACHED TO SOME KIND OF STORE OR PUB OR SOME SHIT?

Hagrid: *waving arms* That's just the power of Maaaaaagic! Let's go buy your shit that you need.

Harry: And just leave the wall we came out of open?

Hagrid: Oh don't worry. It's not like anyone actually would randomly stumble upon it, you know. Nobody thinks of throwing out their garbage into the giant bins out here, or to get a raise through sexual favours out in that dank hole.

Harry: Is everyone supposed to look so douchy?

Hagrid: Well now. That's wizard clothes! Take a good look because after this movie you're never gonna see anyone in the magical world wearing it! Adidas and Nike are so more fashionable than this stereotypical attire.

Harry: My god it's crowded here. I'm surprised it hasn't been victims of bombings from those terrori- I mean, Death Eaters.

Hagrid: It's crowded because this is the only place to buy anything magical related in the WHOLE WORLD!!!

Harry: Let me get this straight. The main shopping centre is in England. The biggest bank is in England. The best school with the most powerful wizard as headmaster is in England. The whole magical government is in England. The most evil wizard of all is in England. This seems a bit messed up...

Hagrid: You know what's weirder?

Harry: The fact that your father had sex with a giant?

Hagrid: I'm not going to tell you now...*sad face*

Hagrid: OH LOOK! There's where you buy your quills and ink.

Harry: There are a few things absolutely messed up with that. First, why do we use quills and ink instead of pens? Just because we're magical it doesn't mean we have to live in t he 16th century. Second of all, why the hell is there a store devoted to selling quills and ink? How depressing would whoever owns that shop's life be?

Owner of Quill Shop: It's terrible. I've tried swallowing the ink to end it all, but I'm too pathetic to die *cries*

Hagrid: Over there are your bits and bobs for doing wizardry.

Harry: Wow, you're awfully specific aren't you?

Kid 1: It's a world class racing broom!

Kid 2: WOW! Look at it! The new Nimbus 2000!

Kid 3: We already knew all that! Why the hell are you bothering to say it again if WE ALREADY FREAKING KNEW IT?

Kid 4: it's the fastest model yet!

Kid 3: WE KNOW!

Harry: But Hagrid, how am I to pay for all this. I haven't any money.

Hagrid: And you said I had bad grammar. Anyway, there's your money Harry! In Gringotts Wizard Bank!

Harry: JESUS CHRIST! That building is really goddamn lopsided! How has it not fallen over yet?

TV Announcer: And in other news, JK Rowling has continued her murder spree by killing Mr P Hysics two children.

Hagrid: There ain't no safer place! Not one. Oh wait, maybe Hogwarts!

Harry: Not really seeing that Voldermort manages to get into the school without anyone knowing by attaching himself to the back of someone's head.

Harry and Hagrid walk into Gringotts.

Harry: Er, Hagrid. What exactly are these things?

Hagrid: Harry, short humans are not things, they are still people; even if only half a person. You see, only people who are under 4ft height are allowed to work here. And you need to have no care in how your nails look.

Harry: That's awfully discriminatory.

Hagrid: Wouldn't you trust your money with these goblins?

Harry: No...

Hagrid: Mr Harry Potter wishes to make a withdrawal.

Goblin: Well why the hell can't he speak for himself?

Hagrid: He's 11.

Goblin: Oh I see. Does Mr Potter have his key?

Harry: This is a really dodgy system for a bank you know. You don't need any proof of identity, just an old iron key. Realistically, I could go into someone's house, take they're key and waltz in here asking for all the cash they have.

Hagrid: Oh and there's something else. Professor Dumbledore gave me this.

Goblin: Why not call him Albus Dumbledore? You're not in school.

Harry notes that the letter that Hagrid gives the goblin has a stamp saying 'Top Secret' on it.

Harry: YAY! We're in James Bond movie now!

Hagrid: It's about you know what, in you know which vault.

Goblin: No...I deal with many people every day, and I have no clue what you're talking about.

Harry: Can we get on with it?

And so they climb aboard what can barely be described as a cart to arrive at the vault of Harry Potter.

Goblin: *speaking out of nose* Vault 687.

Harry: You'd of thought that I'd have a longer vault number with the amount of people using this system of security over all these years.

Goblin: Lamp, please. Even though I don't use or need it.

Goblin: Key, please.

Hagrid: Oh for crying out loud, make up your mind.

The goblin opens the vault.

Harry: HOLY CRAP! I'M RICH! How the hell are my parents that wealthy?

Hagrid: 'cause you know, being an Auror and nothing else pays that well...

Harry: Really?

Hagrid: Nope.

Goblin: Oh...err...bit of a misunderstanding. This isn't your vault, this is JK Rowlings. Notice how it keeps doubling in size every few seconds.

Harry: She won't notice if it take a bit for my pewter cauldron and maybe a pet...Wait a minute. How the hell would someone get all this cash down here in the first place? Giant sacks with dollar signs on the sides? Seems really damn inconvenient and risky to carry all your wealth with you from your house right down to the bank all in coin form.

Goblin: Let's move onto Vault 713.

Harry: What's in there?

Hagrid: I can't tell you. It's Hogwarts business. Very secret.

Harry: Is it a stone that can either be used to turn things into gold or to make the Elixir of Life?

Hagrid: ...no...Anywho, here I go. Won't take a second. Just need to stuff the most valuable thing in the world in my trench coat roughly. Kind of like when I was delivering you.

Harry: Why does Dumbledore have so much trust in you? First me, then this...

Hagrid: Groundskeepers make excellent deliverymen for Dumbledore.

Harry: *snicker*

Hagrid: Huh?

Harry: I just realised something.

Hagrid: And that would be?

Harry: You're Dumbledore's bitch.

Hagrid: Waddya mean?

Harry: Well, you are doing anything and everything for him, no questions asked, no complaints.

Hagrid: Moving on, we've got shopping to do!

Harry: YAYA! SHOPPING SPREE! *takes pocketfuls of gold*

Hagrid: It isn't called gold. We have Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts.

MEANWHILE AT THE MAGIC SHOP:

Man: So how much for these eyes of newt?

Shopkeeper: 5 knuts each.

Man: I have 3 cashews and 2 walnuts.

Shopkeeper: That'll do.

BACK TO HARRY:

Harry: I still need a wand.

Hagrid: Waddya mean Harry? You're all man down there right?

Harry: That is really inappropriate for an 11 year old...also, I mean the one which I can shoot jets of white light which turn into a deer.

Hagrid: So the one in your pants or the one in your hand?

Harry: The one in my hand.

Hagrid: Wait...the one in your pants can be in your hand...

Harry: OH SHUT UP! *punches Hagrid in face*'

Hagrid: Righteo. You'll want Ollivander's. No place better. You go ahead while I go and buy a dragon egg from non-descript people in dark coats.

Harry: Kay.

Harry walks inside.

Harry: Hello? Hmmm...there was no reply for 2 WHOLE seconds so I better call out again.

Harry: HELLO?

A scary old child molester looking fellow slides into view on a ladder.

Harry: How the hell did you do that?

Ollivander: Do what?

Harry: Slide on your ladder without pushing yourself with your foot.

Ollivander: I used my hands.

Harry: Both?

Ollivander: Oh yes.

Harry: Wouldn't you lose balance and fall off?

Ollivander: Look. Do you want to buy a wand or not? If no, then hurry along; I have hard wood to polish.

Harry: Yes I want a damn wand.

Ollivander: I wondered when I'd be seeing you, Mr Potter.

Harry: Call me Harry. I'm not an old fart like you.

Ollivander: Alright, Harry. It seems like only yesterday that your mother and father were buying their first wands.

Harry: First wands? Aren't they supposed to be a permanent one-off thing? Unless of course you're an idiotic redhead who can't drive a flying car past a tree...

Ollivander pulls out a wand box.

Harry: How do you know which one to take out? I mean, it has no labels or anything as a guide. And with the amount of wands here, there is realistically no way that you could know which wand is which just by glancing at a dusty box.

Ollivander: That's the beauty of it. I don't know. I just keep on guessing until I hit the right one. I think my record is three and a half days with a young Miss Pettingshire...

Harry: Can I have my wand now?

Ollivander: Oh yes, certainly.

Harry just holds the wand awkwardly, looking like a tool.

Ollivander: WELL GIVE IT A WAVE!

This startles Harry so much that he flicks it upwards causing half of the stock to come crashing down.

Ollivander: Oh hell! I just spent the past 3 hours fixing that up. Put it down and try another one.

Ollivander randomly takes out another box.

Harry gives it a wave, causing a vase to explode.

Harry: Jesus Christ! Why do some spells just work by flick my wand? It seems really goddamn impractical if I'm trying to cast something else or taking it out of my soon to be worn Slazenger track pants.

Ollivander: Let me take out the only wand who's location I know precisely....Hmmm...I wonder...

Harry snatches the wand from his hand.

Harry: Who opened that window above me? It's making me seem godlike...OLLIVANDER! Turn off that fan! You're making my hair go into my face.

Ollivander: Sorry. This moment seemed to need that extra oomph!

Harry: Well this wand can't be right, it didn't destroy anything when I touched it. Unless my wand's only purpose is to create skylights and create wind around me wherever I may go.

Ollivander: Curious. Very curious.

Harry: Sorry, but what's curious? The fact that no more repairs need to be made at your shop?

Ollivander: I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr Potter.

Harry: That isn't curious...that's just a tad creepy.

Ollivander: It just so happens, that the phoenix whose tail feather resides in your wand, gave another feather.

Harry: My wand? I haven't bought it. I don't even think I want it now. Oh and, who cares if the Phoenix gave another feather? Call it a feather whore and be done with it.

Ollivander: No you see, it gave just one.

Harry: So it's a picky whore then.

Ollivander: It is curious that you should be destined for this wand when its brother gave you that scar.

Harry: Oh this? That isn't a scar. Just some of my old douchy friends magic markered me while I was asleep. Except it won't come off now.

Ollivander: Come on. Say your line!

Harry: Oh do I have to? *droning* And who owned that wand?

Ollivander: We do not speak his name.

Harry: Why not? It's not like he'll hunt you down and kill you for daring to utter his name.

Ollivander: The wand chooses the wizard, Mr Potter.

Harry: Then why do you still have a job if it's up to the wand to choose whoever they want, not you?

Ollivander: I take them out of the boxes, the rest is up to them. It isn't always clear why the wand chooses the wizard, Mr Potter.

Harry: Is it really necessary to start referring to me as Mr Potter even though I've already introduced myself AND it's obvious that you're speaking to me?

Ollivander: It is Mr Potter. Something that is clear to me is that we can expect great things from you.

Harry: Way to give away what'll happen in the first 7 years of my life.

Ollivander: It needed to be done. Otherwise you'd wind up like Neville. After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things.

Author: Just as a disclaimer; this is the last time I shall be referring to Voldermort as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named as it is a bitch to type out what with all the hyphens. He shall now be known as HWMNBN if the need should arise.

Ollivander: Terrible things, but great.

Harry: And you expect an 11 year old to understand how something can be terrible but great? At this age, great is just a step down from awesome which effectively to me means radical which to me means beyond good. So yes, I do not know true meanings of words.

Hagrid interrupts the sexual tension.

Hagrid: *tapping on glass* HARRY! HARRY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Harries expression is priceless. His face is the definition of WTF?!?

Harry: BUT I DON'T WANT A FUCKING OWL!

Hagrid: Too bad! Get out here without paying for your wand, come on!


	3. Chapter 3

Author: Sorry for not updating this for a while. I was diagnosed with a heavy bout of procrastination, which prevented me from writing, and well, I couldn't be bothered getting rid of it.

We've left Harry in his "WTF?" face for a while now and I think it's time the wind changed again.

Hagrid: You all right there Harry? You're awfully quiet.

Harry: I would be giving you a cauldron full of whoop-ass at the moment, but apparently this is a cue for a sentimental scene. I've been trying to avoid doing it, as it's pathetic to watch a 11 year old pull off sentimentality.

Hagrid: How abut I do it for you? I'd like that.

Harry: My douche senses are tingling...Must want what I didn't want just because someone else wants it now in my stupid childish fashion...

Hagrid: Fucking kids...

Harry: WOE IS ME! MY PARENTS WERE KILLED BY THAT MAN WEREN'T THEY? THE MAN THAT GAVE ME THIS GODAWFUL CRAYON DRAWING!

Hagrid: Stop being so melodramatic. No one actually gives a crap about you. We'd all prefer you dead. *under breath* whiny brat...

Harry: What was his name? No one else seems to want to say it so it only makes sense that you would.

Hagrid: I don't want to...

Harry: Why not?

Hagrid: Somehow me saying it will alert him, as if he cares that badly about recognition...he's an attention whore in the first place so why would he care? So I'm not saying it out of fear that he'll go out of his way to kill me.

Harry: Oh come on. Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaase?

Hagrid: I need you to understand something completely irrelevant beforehand. Can you handle that?

Harry: I think I can spare a few of my brain cells...not completely sure though...

Hagrid: Not all wizards are good. Some go bad.

Harry: PEOPLE? GOING BAD!?! MADNESS!?! I'VE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH BLASPHEMY! THE MEDIA NEEDS TO BE ALERTED THIS INSTANCE!

Hagrid: As I was saying...HARRY!

Harry: *looks up from laptop from which he was writing a blog on his newfound discovery*

Hagrid: There was this once wizard who went as bad as you can get!

Harry: So you're saying that only wizards can go bad. Not witches? So all witches are all little pure angels that were sent down the heavens to bring us all eternal salvat-

Hagrid: No. I said only wizards as in our world women aren't our equals. They need to cook and clean for us, nothing else. As I was saying, his name was V-...Vo-...Vol-...Vecto-...

Harry: Try writing it down, Professor Quirrell *snicker*

Hagrid: No I can't spell it. Well spell in general. In fact, I cannot read and write. That's the brilliant education you'll be getting.

Harry: Well ain't that great to know...

Hagrid: The man's name is...Voldermort.

Harry: OH MY GOD! HAGRID! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! YOU'RE GOING TO GET KILLED!

Hagrid: AAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT?

Harry: Kidding.

Hagrid: *glares*

Harry: You only get killed in 7 years time :3

Hagrid: Wu-wut?

Harry: You were talking about Voldermort yes?

Hagrid: SHH! Don't say his name so loudly!

Harry: God forbid someone hears and thinks they'll be killed from witnessing someone say it. Besides, no one is in this dump anyway...

Hagrid: His ruling was a dark time Harry. Voldermort started gathering followe-

Harry: Why are you saying his name so casually now? Just a second ago you were all QQ about the mere thought of him.

Hagrid: Just watch the dodgy flashback scene. *plays video of Voldermort opening a gate with his mind alone! JESUS CHRIST THAT MUST PROVE HE'S EVIL! ZOMG HE'S USING ALOHAMORA NOW! THE EVIL! IT BURNS MY EYES!*

Hagrid: He started to gather followers. Anyone that refused wound up dead.

Harry: Seems pretty usual...

Hagrid: You're parents fought against him.

*Flashback shows Harry's not so hot mum holding him with no care in the world. "ZOMG GO AWAY" she says as she runs into the middle of the room as a...grenade? goes off. "OWW THE PAIN OF THE AIR! IT BURNS!" she yells whilst no one cares.*

Hagrid: But no one lived once he decided to kill them.

Harry: That would be the case with one of the greatest wizards of our time...

*Clip shows Harry's mum dieing whilst wearing her orgasm face. Wait a second. WHERE THE HELL IS BABY HARRY? SHE WAS JUST HOLDING HIM! *thud sound as baby is dropped down flight of stairs*

Hagrid: And that's how you got your scar.

Harry: What?

Hagrid: Just bullshitting you. *clip goes to Voldermort going to kill Harry whilst the baby has his "srs bizness" face on.

Baby Harry: I'm not scared of you! I'm a goddamn baby! I'm unstoppable!

Harry: Me? Voldermort tried to kill me?

Hagrid: Well he originally went to get your parents to join him, but he just felt like killing you for the lulz. That isn't an ordinary cut on the side of your face Harry. I mark like that only comes from being touched-

Harry: O.o

Hagrid: By a curse, an evil curse.

Harry: Oh thank god. What happened to V-...You-Know-Who.

Hagrid: Oh come on Harry, I've said so you can. Anyway, some say he died. To me, that is a load of Codswallop. I reckon he's still out there, too tired to carry on.

Harry: Well that sure makes me feel better about everything.

Hagrid *cheerful* One thing is certain though. Something about you stumped him that night and he's gonna try to find you and kill you whether it's the last thing he does.

Harry: Goddamnit.

Sorry for such a short update, but I feel that there is too much comedy gold to be had with the Kings Cross Station scene. Please review and give me any criticism you wish. And if you can, tell your friends if you liked it :3


	4. Chapter 4

Holidays can make you forget a lot of things. Like your obligation to humour people. Now as a new year of school is starting, I cannot promise (I already broke a previous promise so this is a waste of keys on my keyboard, really) that I will be writing too regularly, even now. I can also guess that anyone who did read this, has more than likely moved on. Well, my lovely fans, anyone who did wait for this part receives a shiny new bicycle*...

*no bicycle shall be given.

We left off at an incredibly parodiable (add that word to your dictionaries folks) scene in this already incredibly laughable movie, Platform 9 and three quarters. So here goes. I hope I'm not too rusty and that my characters don't need an oiling (I'm looking at you New Moon werewolves with your constant usage of baby oil *shudder*)

Hagrid: *looks at old couple* What'r you lookin' at?

Old lady: Isn't having an owl in a cage against our local wildlife regula-

Hagrid: *shoots lightning at old woman from umbrella*

Harry looks at Hagrid horrified. "What the hell is your problem you loon?! First you kidnap me, then you give my cousin a tail, and now you kill someone who looked at you!"

Hagrid: Normally, I would remark in some unwitty way with an uncanny reference to an animal you've never heard of, but at the moment I have to leave to get this here thing back to Dumbledore. It's far more important than you. Now, your train leaves in 10 minutes. Here's your ticket. Stick to your ticket. That's the most important bit.

Harry: Platform 9 and three quarters...what the hell. How is that even possible? Hagrid?

Harry looks around only to find that somehow Hagrid has disappeared in under 5 seconds. How could Hagrid get out of view that fast? It's like trying to lose your tractor after turning around for a few moments. ITS BLOODY IMPOSSIBLE!

Harry: Well this is great. First, some stone is more valuable than me, The 'Chosen One's' life. And two, he can't even tell me how to get the goddamn platform, as if he expects me to be so pants on head retarded to walk into a barrier or stick around for 10 minutes to guide me. I am so going to make it my life goal to get that douche fired.

And that was when Harry discovered his life goal. Fucking up Hagrid's life until he kills himself in desperation.

*End credits*

Haha, no. Not at all. Instead, Harry tries to find a way to get onto this elusive train, in ten damn minutes.

Harry: Alright...platform ten...platform nine...Alright, I can safely deduce it isn't here. How do hell do I get home?

At this point, the most awesome character to ever star in a HP movie appears.

Man: *runs Baywatch style and slides past Harry's trolley with expert agility* Sorry!

Harry: That man deserves an Emmy.

(Author's note: Something worrying that I discovered writing this, is that MS Word has the word Baywatch [with the capital B so that you know it's talking about the series] in its default dictionary.)

Platform Instructor (He instructs pieces of ground how to work as platforms): You need a hand there son *wink*?

Harry: AAAAHHH! *looks for mace*

Platform Instructor: You're one of the special kids aren't you?

Harry: No! I just need to find Platform 9 and three quarters!

Platform Instructor: *taking mass offense* Think you're being funny ey? *muttering to self* He MUST be one of the special ones.

Molly: *EXCESSIVELY LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS LIKE THESE CAPS THAT SHOW SHOUTING* Why the hell is this MUGGLE train station filled with MUGGLES? Makes no bloody sense! Come on everyone! Platform 9 and three quarters and MAGIC (Author's note: There needs to be a way to show shouting louder than regular shouting)

Harry: My wizard sense is tingling! Better follow them!

Molly: Alright Percy. Go through. No need to be discreet or anything. Not like the people walking towards this pillar will think anything odd of a boy with a trolley walking into a brick wall...

It makes no sense that hundreds of people in strange garb would walk into a pillar without ANYONE noticing all these years. Even if they were discreet about it, how do they get out into the platform without startling anyone.

Man: *leaning on pillar having a smoke*

Wizard: Walks through pillar and knocks over man.

Man: Oh. Sorry kind sir. *continues to smoke without a care*

On a side note (which I find incredibly funny as [probably not the case] Harry is supposed to be the only sane one in the parody series) Harry is the only one who looks around to check if anyone noticed when Percy goes through to the magical world of Narnia.

Anywho, back to the (fairly non-existant) plot.

Molly: Alright. Fred your turn.

One of the twins: He's not Fred! I am! Honestly woman, you call ourselves our mother.

Just a few things about that:

1. OUCH! That's awfully harsh to say to your own mother even if she is a fire breathing dragon.

2. Their voices are so squeaky!

Molly doesn't seem to care though. Probably used to all kinds of verbal abuse...

Ron: MUUUUUUM! WHERES MY BLOODY SANDWICH?

Harry: Excuse me.

Another bloody Author's note: I've always wondered about whether excuse me is written as a question or as a statement. Technically, you are asking to be excused not ordering that you be excused...but then again, excuse me with a question mark seems more fitting to asking what someone just said. E.G. "I fire angry ticks out of my nipples." "Excuse me?"

Molly: Oh sheet. A muggle's spotted our shenanigans. Well Ron. It seems you won't be going to school this year. I guess third time's not the charm ey?

Harry: Err no. I'm just here to ask what the hell it is you're doing...

Molly: Oh, that's alright. What we're doing is walking into that wall between platforms 9 and 10.

Harry: But shouldn't walking through the middle of the wall cause us to get into platform 9 and a half?

Molly: That's why you need to be absolutely precise where you hit, or else you'll be imploded. Go on now. If you're nervous give it a run. Good luck, you might not make it though.

Harry: So if I'm nervous about GOING THROUGH A SOLID WALL I should run to make it easier? Do you also suggest that people should throw themselves into a pit of spiders if they have arachnophobia?

Ron: Always spiders. Why couldn't it be a pit of butterflies?!

Harry: Crap that wall looks hard. Well, here goes nothing. *runs into wall*

And here the special effects team said fuck it, we want our coffee. He runs through what appears to be 3 separate walls. So the pillar contains another pillar which then contains platform 9 and three quarters. And to add pain to humiliation, the transition from wall to wall is disguised by a man with a large package (Oh the innuendo).

Harry: Hogwarts express ey? For it to be an express, wouldn't there need to be another route to Hogwarts that takes longer, thus by comparison this one being an express.

Dumbledore: Ahhh, but the location of Hogwarts must remain secret.

Harry: Ummm...just a few things. First, the tracks the train travels on. Two, you have other schools travel to the location. 3. Hogsmeade offers a decent VIEW of Hogwarts and 4:

Helicopter Pilot: That's a nice valley...wait...what's that grey thi-...OH MY GOD! *crashes helicopter into Divination wing*

Everybody: Meh.

Well that's all for now I'm afraid. I'm tired as all hell and my arm is sore from playing Rose and Camellia. If you haven't played it, I suggest you google it NOW! It's a fun game of womanly combat.


	5. Chapter 5

Oh my I have neglected this project pretty badly. Remember when I told you that you shouldn't take my word on beating procrastination? Oh, I didn't say that? Well I meant to. I'm a lazy git who would sooner chew off his own leg than do a day's worth of honest hard work.

When we last left our dashing hero, he had found himself in platform 9 and 3 quarters; wondering what to do next.

Harry: *looking around* Oh man it's busy here isn't it. Wait...if that brick wall is the only entrance into this platform...how did all of you people get in here without causing any suspicion at all?

Busy Wizard #47: Well you see; we are so conspicuous we're inconspicuous.

Harry: What? How does that make any sense?

Wizard: When we walk around 'em Muggle parts; people are so confused and surprised about us; they don't give a second thought to ask or think about what it is we're doing.

Harry: That is a goddamn load of bullshit and you- *looks at Platform 9 ¾ sign*. Platform 9 ¾ - Hogwarts Express. So there's an entire damn station devoted to ONE train that only gets used THREE TIMES a whole year.

Wizard: Stop whinging and get on the train

Meanwhile; on the train:

Harry: *looking out the window* Damn I wish I was back with the Dursleys. I miss Petunia's thighs rubbing together in a way that makes me-

Ron: Excuse me, do you mind?

Harry: Of course not foolish child. A ginger can always shine my shoes. It is their moral responsibility.

Ron: No, I meant that everywhere else is full.

Harry: Well umm, I kinda need all this room *awkwardly spreads self over as much of the seating he can*

Ron: *shifts Harry's foot a bit to the right so it's now touching Harry's forehead* *takes a seat* I'm Ron by the way; Ron Weasley.

Harry: I don't give a fuck by the way; don't give a fuck and never will.

Ron: That's an interesting name; "don't give a fuck". It sounds Latin.

Harry: That's not actually my-. I was making a-. How can I put this in a way a ginger will understand? Hmmm... My *points to self* name is *circular motion* Har-ree Pot-err.

Ron: So it's true. So you really have the *points to head*

Harry: A what? Brain? Yes I do, and no you can't have it. But you can find one at the end of this yellow road...

Ron: No. A scar.

Harry: Oh yeah *lifts fringe to show crayon doodle over his right eyebrow*

Trolley Lady: Anything off the trolley dears?

Harry: I wouldn't mind having some of your sweet toffee *wink*

Trolley Lady: Ummm...okay...And for you?

Ron: No thanks; I'm all set *lifts up what looks like a human heart wrapped in cling foil*

Trolley Lady: *muttering* Always a freak compartment

Harry: We'll take the lot *pulls out chocolate coins*

Ron: Wow, I've never seen money before. It sure is amazing!

Trolley Lady: You do realise that "the lot" will cost you a few dozen galleons right?

Harry: Will a hundred galleons be enough to make you shut up and give me my food?

The film then skips past Harry killing the trolley lady and stealing her food with a nice shot of the train.

Harry: Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans?

Ron: They mean every flavour!

Harry: Weird...this one tastes like blood. So does this one. SO DOES THIS ONE!

Ron: Was that box one of the ones underneath trolley bitch's bloody corpse?

Harry: Oh that explains it.

Ron: As I was saying; there's chocolate and peppermint. There's also: spinach, liver and tripe.

Harry: That isn't THAT creative to be honest.

Ron: George swears he got a bogey one once!

Harry: 1. I don't know who George is. 2. I don't give a crap about his experiences.

Harry: *picks up chocolate frog box* These aren't real frogs are they? Wizards are pretty weird about their eating habits right?

Ron: It's just a spell.

Harry: So I'm eating enchanted chocolate. That is damn creepy.

Ron: But it's the card you want. Each pack has a famous witch or wizard. I've got about 500 miself.

Harry: *opens box*

Frog: Croak. Croak.

Harry: Jesus Christ! You expect me to eat that?

Frog: *jumps onto window*

Ron: Well yeah. Catch it!

The frog; saying it's final farewells, jumps out of the window; ending what it believed to be a cruel life.

Frog priest: We are gathered here today; to bid farewell to Kermit; our beloved friend and family member. Kermit had a prosporous life; graduating from Harvard, getting married to his beloved Jenine, and raising two children. It was not until he was caught by a wizard that his life was flipped; turned upside down.

[Author's Note: Sorry about getting a bit sidetracked there. And also; sorry for the reference]

Harry: I've got Dumbledore!

Ron: I once had a bad case of Dumbledore too. I hear it's going around quite a bit this year. But what card did you get?

Harry: Some old geezer. Oh man these cards are crap. It's a shitty little holographic piece of shitty crap shit.

Ron: Oh yeah. I've got about 6 of him.

Harry: Wait a second. He's buggered off!

Ron: Well you can't expect him to hang around all day now can you?

Harry: IT'S A CARD! IT ISN'T ACTUALLY HIM! MY GOD THIS WORLD IS RETARDED!

Ron: This is scabbers by the way. Pathetic isn't he?

Harry: Just a little. Not as much as you though; eating my food. You have a human heart for a reason!

Ron: Fred gave me a spell to turn him yellow. Wanna see?

Harry: But isn't using magic outside of school as a minor against wizard law, and punishable by having all your wizarding rights removed?

Ron: Yeah, but we'll have a fun time beforehand!

Harry: Meh, it's not my wand on the line, so whatever.

Ron: *clears throat* hrukphala EKPHLEGM!

Harry covers his face from the incoming spit balls.

Ron: Sunshine-

Boofy hair girl: Has anyone seen a toad? A boy named *shampoo commercial hair toss* Neville has lost one.

Harry: STOP REFERENCING TO PEOPLE WE DON'T KNOW!

Boofy Girl: Oh. Are you doing magic? Let's see then.

Ron: *phlegming some more* Sunshine daisies, butter mellow. Turn this stupid fat rat yellow!

Scabber's head ignites for a brief second. An agonizing rat scream is heard. To keep a kids friendly rating (which got lost somewhere in HP: 3 and beyond), his head is in a box, stopping us from seeing a mutilated rat.

Harryl: Can't believe that didn't work. Seemed pretty legitimate to me.

Boofy Girl: Are you sure that's a real spell?

Ron: I-

Boofy Girl: Well it's not very good is it?

Ron attempts to make eye contact with Harry, giving some kind of wtf face.

Harry: [To self] Don't look at me, don't look at me do not look at me!

Boofy Girl: I've only tried a few simple ones myself, and they've all worked out for me.

Harry: HOW COME YOU TWO GET TO DO THIS KIND OF SHIT, BUT WHEN I NEED TO SAVE MY BASTARD COUSIN I GET A DEATH SENTENCE?

Boofy Girl: Because Rowling didn't think of that so early despite her "planning" of all the books before she wrote them bullshit. Anyway, let me; some 11 year old, try something on you.

Boofy girl points her wand directly in front of Harry's face. His expression turns from bored to terrified in an instant. What will happen to our hero? Will his head be blown off? Well probably not seeing that there's still 2 hours left in this movie (note: we are at 38 minutes at the moment).

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF THE POTTER PARODY!

I promise I'll keep it more regular now.

Some guy: *pushes author out of chair* THIS IS THE AUTHOR OF THE FUTURE! HE LIES! HE WONT KEEP TO HIS WORD! SAVE YOURSELVES WHILE YOU CAN!


	6. Chapter 6

Time for an update I think. Also, only now did I realise that I can reply to the reviews I've gotten for this story. So, when I seemingly ignored your awesome replies, it was really because I'm a massive noob when it comes to this site. To compensate, I'll be replying to all reviews after I post this chapter :D. Also, please review and give me your feedback after reading this. It's really good for me to get a few words from you, whether it be compliments or criticism in what wasn't funny and what could be done better.

As a quick rehash from the last chapter, Harry was awaiting his fate from the cruel wench standing before him.

Hermione (Calling her boofy girl is a pain in the ass): For example...

Harry: Please have mercy! If you do, you can marry this kid later on! *pointing at Ron*

Hermione: Hmmm...You've got yourself a deal. Now instead of killing you, let me fix your glasses. Occulus Repairo.

A piece of parchment flies out of the nose strip (a google search tells me that the proper name is 'bridge') of the glasses.

Harry: Hey! I needed that paper hidden in my glasses! It had the spell I need to eventually kill Voldermort!

Ron cringes at hearing his name

Harry: Oh stop that. VOLDERMORT VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT!

Ron passes out on the ground.

Harry: So as I was saying...wait...was that spell "Occulus Repairo"?

Hermione begins nodding ridiculously enthusiastically.

Harry: Thats just...there aren't even words to describe how...I mean, sure occulus with the whole Latin thing...but repairo? Really? I mean, I type in repairo and MS Word autocorrects it. That's how damn unoriginal it is! EVEN THE GODDAMN PAPERCLIP THINKS ITS STUPID!

Hermione: Just take off your glasses. It's better isn't it?

Harry: *removes glasses* Wait...so you just fixed my glasses even though there was nothing visibly wrong with them?

Hermione: Pretty much. Wait. HOLY CRICKETS! You're Harry Potter!

Harry: Holy...crickets? You damn serious? Have you no class? Taking the cricket's name in vain. HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

Hermione: No. None at all. I'm Hermione Granger, not that you asked or care. And...*looks at Ron on the ground* you are?

Ron: *gaining consciousness with a cake in his mouth* Rawn Weeshley

Hermione: Pleasure.

Author: Hey! I'm the only that's allowed to be sarcastic here! Don't do it again or there will be consequences!

Hermione: Mhmm. Yep. Of Course.

Author: That's it! *gets ready for a good old fashioned fist fight*

Hermione: No time for that. We'll be arriving soon. You should change into your robes.

Harry: But my robes are in my trunk which is stowed away...and where the hell would I get changed?

Hermione: Oh just use magic or something. I mean really. Also, you have dirt on your nose. I think that's worth mentioning.

The next scene arrives and it's night! Wait a second. The train leaves at 11am. So what, the train ride is about 10 hours long? Or even more. The whole place is lit up by candles. That's pretty efficient and modern. I mean electricity is way to mundane when compared to good old wax.

Hagrid: All right, first years to me please. Alright, hurry up now. First years!

Everyone leaves the train after this.

Everyone: Huh? What was that? Couldn't hear you when we're inside a train.

Hagrid: Okay then. For the initiation test. Cross the lake in these enchanted boats.

Harry: Couldn't we just walk with everyone else?

Hagrid: But this way we get to sift out the weak ones, and the giant squid gets a good meal.

Harry: Uhhh okay then. *lifts hand out of water*

We are now treated to another poorly edited scene. An image of the castle in all its glory.

Ron: Nice castle. Come in mens?

Harry: That doesn't...I just...GAH!

I'm tired at the moment, so I think I'll leave it at that. Thanks for reading, and comment if you could. It goes a long way :]

So long for now!


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